Joe, a very good boyPhoto: Aimee Levitt

I have very mixed feelings about the Westminster Kennel Club Show. The other night, I was reading the coverage online and was trying to explain it to my dog Joe, a puppy who is still learning all the ways of the world. (He sometimes still stands and watches in wonder as the el train rolls by.) Its a contest, Joe, I said. Theyre trying to determine the best dog... He was napping with his head on my lap, fighting for space with the laptop, but as soon as I said that, he opened one big brown eye and looked at me in a way I might have said was resentful, except that Joe is still pure of heart and hasnt learned about resentment yet. I know, youre the best dog. And also the best-looking dog. I thought for a moment. Joe closed his eyes and shoved the computer a few inches. Okay, Joe, I said. Theyre trying to figure out which dog fulfills some arbitrary standards of dog beauty and behavior, which is really dumb because all dogs are beautiful and perfect, especially you, and, yes, yes, youre right, lets go back to looking at things that are more important, like Bachelor recaps. (Not that Joe is very interested in any human behavior that doesnt involve either food or himself, but at least The Bachelor doesnt question one of his core life beliefs, e.g., that he is the best dog in the world. And some of these recaps are works of comic genius.)

Still, theres something about Westminster that gets to me every year, and this year I am very pissed that Daniel the golden retriever got beat out by Siba, the standard poodle. (Sibas haircut also disturbs me. Its a real villain haircut.) But I also cant stop thinking about how Siba refused to eat her ceremonial victory dinner at Sardis because it was steak and she will only eat chicken, even if its in McChicken sandwich form. But Siba was hand-fed that chicken from a silver platter! I guess thats a pretty good reward.

Joes more of a bacon dog himself. I think thats what I would feed him if he won something very important like Westminster, or, lets be honest, just for existing for another day, because we all know that we dont deserve dogs and one of the reasons they put up with our idiocy is because we feed them.

What do you feed your dog for being a very good girl or boy?

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Last Call: What do you feed a very good boy or girl? - The Takeout